Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Every photo I’m tagged in
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
i love modern commerce
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can