Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.