MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.