math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
podcasts
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.