MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I did not eat the cake…
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.