MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
You Might Also Like
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
This guy gets it.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.