math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
i meant to share this earlier
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.