#math
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off