mathematically impossible

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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.


the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks


The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”


When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace


> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend


Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.


I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.


As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.