mathematically impossible
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Love is in the air fryer.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog