Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.