Matt Goss
You Might Also Like
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i鈥檒l wait.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I鈥檓 wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they鈥檙e getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it鈥檒l remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I鈥檓 trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My 5 year old said he鈥檚 not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
reminder
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*