Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask