Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…


Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)


Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked


Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”


You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.


“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.


I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.


not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about