@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

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@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@ArfMeasures

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@HousewifeOfHell

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

@benedictsred

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

@broken_rhi

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about