Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
my dog when i have a friend over
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭