Matthew was born for this.
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.