May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Had an epiphany today.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
no one likes gloating
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.