May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
You Might Also Like
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
#gardening
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…