May never get over this
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]