May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
All generalizations are stupid.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.