May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!