May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Duolingo getting serious.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen