May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Noted.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there