May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task