May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent