May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?