May your day taste like creamy soup.
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.