May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
You Might Also Like
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work