may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.