@lmegordon Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
@IamEnidColeslaw may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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@lmegordon 
@LocalButtLiker “Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
@SketchesbyBoze VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
@Home_Halfway Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
@notacroc Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
@Renanumber5 *Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
@ericsshadow CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
@clindsaysway Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
@brettminor It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
@GingerGander Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.