may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.


“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.


VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine


Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs


Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-


Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.


It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.


Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.