Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
You deplete me
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.