Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.