Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.