Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Good news
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”