Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.