maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila