maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.