Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.