@GreenishDuck

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

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@AngelaTheAwful

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

@JustUnstableMe

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

@WilliamAder

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”