Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*