Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.