Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle