Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup