@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

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@WilliamAder

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

@pest_mode

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

@ZeldaJPinwheel

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

@MadHatterMommy

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

@Stellacopter

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@adamgreattweet

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

@Elifcello

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.