Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.