Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Bit chilly again tonight.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?