Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel


1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know


I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.


I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.


When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?


Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?


My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.


me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy