Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Maths meets science
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Best seat on the street 😍