Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.