Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*