Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
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Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.