maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
It was worth a shot 😂
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
What even happened today?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
😂 amazing answer
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!