Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
How your email finds me
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?