@theDanLawler

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

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@stuartfiddle

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

@internetluke

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

@thrill_tweeter

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

@AlarminglyBad

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

@clichedout

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

@freypalm

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*