Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You Might Also Like
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
That’s not how days work.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Always 🥴
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill