Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*jazz hands*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.