Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
You Might Also Like
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
best first i’ve ever seen
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.